David Beckham brief update

Anyone who is trolling this deep for updates on "Becks" already knows that he hurt his knee and is out of play, probably until October. So instead of harping some more on the topic of how useless this person is, I'll put my college education to work creating a "found" poem from a recent AP article about his injury. Ahem.

worth every penny

Tom Cruise and Will Smith, the couple,
worked out wife Victoria in Beckham's presence.
"fun to watch" said Paris Hilton's publicist Elliot Mintz.

the asshole everyone is talking about

I have this thing about the V word. Victim. Not sure why. Let's take a look at this week in victims, though; maybe we'll find a clue.

There's an asshole that everyone is talking about. He's not just an asshole, he's a psychopath. He's also dead. He also murdered 30+ people. "Wait a minute," my legions of readers are saying. "If he's dead, why is he being discussed in the present tense rather than the past tense?" Yeah. Because he's been immortalized by the fucking media. Because they aired his suicidal diatribe the minute they got their greasy little media-hands on it. For advertising bucks.

This decision to play the video is not reporting, because the information in the video is neither factual nor is it evidence. It's just a jerkoff with a bad complexion jerking off, waving around his little weapons, talking in his ridiculous voice about his need to be ON THE NEWS.

AAaaaaand the report will roll on, invariably describing the tightening security on the nation's college campuses as the INEVITABLE COPYCAT INCIDENTS are prepared for.

America, you're a fucking idiot. They wanted to be on the news. They all wanted to be on the news. They all got on the news. Psychopaths always believe the axiom, 'the end justifies the means'. So WHY would we let them win? It makes me vomit when I think about the fact that the largest corporations on Earth get money for putting people I hate in front of my fucking face. But they do. They fucking do. And the harm it does is immense.

Back on November 3, 2006, when anti-war protester Malachi Ritscher burned himself to death by the freeway in Chicago, the national press barely touched it. The big TV news affiliates reported it as if it were a murmur from deep underground, even though the fact that he wrote his own obituary and perhaps the most political suicide note ever makes this death unquestionably interesting. The trappings he left behind are those of a passionate, intelligent, painfully sane man.

He took no one with him. Yet the reason most often given by media flacks for the curious blackout for the first public protest death of this war was FEAR OF COPYCAT SUICIDES.

You FUCKING HYPOCRITES.



So now I'm watching the news. And the entire world is being told to watch out for people who match my description:

*kinda crazy
*weird gleam in eye
*uses big words/talks funny
*writes about violent stuff
*angry
*girl trouble
*bad credit
*bored
*sometimes threatened/threatening

as a matter of fact, there's only one thing I can't empathize with these psychopaths about;

*they think it's OK to kill

and that is something which I can only provide outward evidence of by not killing people, something which I do regularly. So folks are wasting time when they profile me, finding me suspiciously full of the attributes on the first list. But I notice, and it pisses me off, because IT IS NOT A SOLUTION TO CRIME. AT ALL.

The solution is to ignore cocksucking motherfuckers like this one that's about to be looking back at me from every newsstand on the way home. And, not to give them guns. Fuck.

Things We Don't Sign

It's been two days since the united states neglected to sign a ban on government body snatching. The final draft didn't "meet their expectations", according to a suit named Sean McCormack.

"The convention defines forced disappearances as the arrest, detention, kidnapping or "any other form of deprivation of freedom" by state agents or affiliates, followed by denials or cover-ups about the detention and location of the person gone missing."

This is too simple for us; where are the loopholes whereby we can justify the desaparecidos we've already got cloistered away?

CIA's "Salt Pit" prison


Who the hell are these people that are kept away from everyone? Is the government information on them solid, or is at as flexible as the Neocons need it to be to fit their agenda? Are they guarded by fresh-faced sadistic recruits like Lynndie England? Will the patsies be as easy to find as Lynddie England when this new, fresh shit hits the fan? (hint: she's the 20-year-old idiot in front giving the thumbs-up. she's the mastermind of all this.)

Terror is a business, and business is good. The government could pick me up tomorrow and I could be dead when I get to the doors of the secret prison. You think i'm going to organize any resistance to a government I find stifling and horrifying? Fuck no. I'll refuse to organize anything unless it's a government flag waving party.

The reality is, this system we live in is really big. Really, Really big. So the first steps we take as a country in any direction need to be very careful. Thus I can understand there are lots of reasons not to sign any document. Except for the Kyoto Protocol. And the Land Mine Treaty. Hm. Have we been using our power to push forward the cause of humanity?

The problem, I think, with looking out for #1, is that everyone recognizes it as somewhat of a necessity. Because of this, you can get away with a lot of things if you claim to be looking out for your own ass.

Unfortunately there is no safety for something so big as the US. Or rather, there is, but it's only available if everyone is too scared to act, or if the world isn't full of weapons. Since we've already filled the world with weapons, that leaves fascism.

But fascism is temporary. It only works when it has a business model to help it perpetuate.

Terror in, obedience out.

the Dexter breakfast

With all of the cultural differences around the world, it's hard to find a constant. Besides breakfast. Productive humans eat stuff in the morning; otherwise you're either starving or a layabout.

Whole countries sit down to the same thing in the morning, creating "theme breakfasts" which are based on the morning eating habits of entire countries. For example; Irish Breakfast, consisting of flea meat and whiskey, English Breakfast, another name for an entire bag of sugar and toast with tea, and French Breakfast, consisting of a cigarette and an espresso.

Anyway, America needs a breakfast that doesn't come from McDonalds, because, well, look at yourself. Furthermore, instead of going the boring route of calling it "American Breakfast", which will ensure it never catches on, let's go the traditional American route instead, and base this long-lasting institution on a passing and frivolous trend: the popularity of Showtime drama "Dexter".

Helpfully, the show begins with what I believe is the perfect morning routine. Dietarially healthy and aesthetically appealing, this is the new American breakfast. The Dexter Breakfast.

It goes like this: a fried egg and porkchop, sided with fresh coffee and pomegranite juice (for antioxidants). Simple and delicious; the flavors compliment each other perfectly. But your eyes will not light up as you consider this. No, America, we will all prepare and eat this breakfast with total detachment, considering in passing the unsettling similarities between pomegranite or pig flesh and human flesh- but these unsettling similarities will not unsettle us. We will all prepare and eat this breakfast with the cold, dead eyes of a killer.

David Beckham comes to American MLS

MADRID (Reuters) - David Beckham will leave Real Madrid at the end of the Spanish season and sign a five-year deal for U.S. side Los Angeles Galaxy worth $1 million a week, the biggest in world sport.

I've fucking had it with LA. This is it. If I'm ever a mad scientist, the first thing i'm going to do is find a way to jettison California. Why do they always have to be spending a million dollars a week to put distasteful people in my face?

This is not Pele coming to teach the heathens the joys of foot-ball. This is a face-depiling, brazillian waxing, eyebrow plucking pretty-boy. Actually, pretty-boy is way too weak a term; we need to invent something else.. hmm.. oh wait; this is the man directly responsible for the word metrosexual coming into existence. Trust me, once The Media puts the price on his head, he will appear in front of your face doing or saying something idiotic a dozen times a day. I saw it happen in the UK, and the only difference here is that he'll have more money behind him and a chance to try again. The psychic damage to me personally is going to be intense.

He is, of course, claiming that he is doing it "for love of the game". He doesn't expect us to believe this, he just had to say it, there's a rule. He could give two shits if soccer catches on a little more with kids in the US; however, addressing it as a project will let him suck on the fame machine whilst playing the hero. He's not the type that sends soccer balls to African kids, he's the type that cruises around in expensive cars and says mean things to bellhops. As far as "love of the game" goes, well, in the UK he has become known as an unsportsmanlike, money grubbing asshole on and off the field. Which is undoubtably part of the reason he is on his way, along with his wife, the uninhabited exoskeleton of Posh Spice of the Spice Girls. Another part of the reason for the move is so that she can act as Tom Cruise's love interest in the upcoming Scientology film The Thetan.

This is all wrong. At least when Mel Gibson decided to use his vast fortunes to push his religious agenda, it got him crucified; all Tom Cruise is going to get is sucked off by this harpy in his trailer.


Irreparable harm, I'm telling you: and all of us common folks will, as usual, only have our pathetic revenge.